Some couples come to therapy before committing to each other to make sure it’s a good fit;¹ Some couples come to therapy to fix a neutral problem that they have outside of the relationship or inside the relationship, knowing that they want to stay together. And some couples come to therapy thinking they might need to break up and want to do it in a healthy way for themselves and their children. Sometimes we know that something is wrong and we do not know why and where it will lead us. In all of these cases, in order to make tough decisions, it’s helpful to know the truth first, from each point of view.

You promised each other so much

How do you know when it’s time to bring your partner to therapy? You promised each other so much and it’s just not happening the way you thought. You don’t like your partner’s reactions to you and all that junk and misunderstanding… And you surprise yourself with your own unhelpful or negative reactions to your partner. 

You promised each other you would be truthful and talk out any problems, and hopefully never go to bed angry/upset. What went wrong? Lots of things could have gone wrong (stress at work, in laws, money problems, past inner baggage, children…), or maybe nothing went wrong, maybe this is a realistic change in your flow of life, and you both can easily change back to the way you want with a small amount of constructive help. 

Whatever the problems are between the two of you, at one point in your life you looked at each other and thought there was potential for a grand life together. If you are not 100% sure that it’s time to give up, then let’s work together to see if this can go the way you want it to go - the way you once believed in. 

In my comfortable, safe office we will be able to slow down the world long enough to sense inside what are the correct words to express what’s really important to you. You will be more able to genuinely look at each other and speak of, and do, what’s right from your heads and hearts, even when it’s uncomfortable. And you will often be able to leave the therapy session with a deeper and clearer understanding of each other and the issues, as well as that grounded feeling of knowing you have been heard and understood without judgment.

Come to therapy alone or  together and let’s bring back and solidify the healthy coping skills you want that would make you both the best individuals and partners. Couples therapy consists of communication skills, role playing, listening skills, parenting skills/education, team work and  respectfully understanding how your partner thinks and feels about an issue without having to agree. Homework, if you want it, will be decided together and may be about serious time together and time together at play.

1. Sometimes after a couple gets engaged they go into a phase that I jokingly call “wedding psychosis.” By this I mean that they are in a stage of happiness and dreams of the wedding, which may get in the way of clear- headedness. It is a lovely time and yet clear-headedness is most important for a couple before they make this monumental step.

Pre-commitment / marital therapy is a lot of fun and some hard work. It is structured in a way to open discussions about as many hard topics as needed to prepare you for a smooth and smart transition.